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Letter to Jake 8/06
Jake,
How to even begin to describe what life is like without you! I never thought I would make it this far. How did I even get here? Surely it is by the grace of God that I have made it so far.
The night you died, I died too. The old me gone, where she went I guess with you. After the moment you died, I felt like I was an alien dropped off on the planet earth. I didn't feel, think, act or look the same. Everything is new and different. I don't fit in and feel painfully different.
At first it hurt physically, my arms ached to hold you, kiss you, see you and care for you, it burned inside of me. I could feel all of my emotion in my throat. My brain couldn't think and physically, I could not function. It took at least an hour to get out of bed each morning. That of course was after praying that God would let me fall asleep. I relived all the moments of your life and death each night before I went to sleep. I begged God to let me fall asleep, it was the only break from the pain. Everyday was a constant challenge to take care of Nick and myself. I went through the motions but wasn't really existing. I didn't cook much, or clean and hardly could answer the phone. How do you deal with the outside world and make small talk when you precious son is dead. I would have conversations but the whole time in my head was,"Jake is dead what am I going to do". I couldn't concentrate on conversation, but I would fake it.
I left your room the same way it was. I had sanitized your room and stuff due to the RSV, it was all awaiting your "return". I remember that night packing some stuff for the hospital, "our" bag. I really thought you would be coming home as planned. I had a new outift, toys, books. But as I drove back to the hospital after Daddy called me to come, a dark feeling came over me and I started to feel that you might really die. I became so angry with God. "He's mine, you can't have him" I screamed at Him over and over
again then I remember thinking that I can't call the hospital to check then I will know by the sound of their voice. Sure enough, when I walked onto the PICU I could see it in their eyes-pity,tradegy, he isn't going to make it.
Although they were still working on you, I just knew when I saw you. I buried my head in Daddy's chest, I couldn't face the truth. I placed my hands around your face, you felt cold, I begged you not to leave me, "Oh Jkake, please don't leave me, I love you , please don't leave me," over and over I said it. Then they wanted to stop working on you and took us out of your room and started talking about how you had been without oxygen for so long, blah,blah,blah, the quality of life, blah,blah,blah. Did he even know that we would have wanted you no matter what. Quality of life, how about all he went through already? He had no idea, I had never even met him before. All the stuff I had packed for you was still in the car never made it into the building.
What a horrible drive home it was without you, we felt so sick to our stomachs. The world did not stop for everyone else just us. We came home around 4am fell into bed and woke up 2 hours later crying hysterically. sobbing, not knowing what to do with myself. Nick woke up because I was so loud. How to even tell Nick, he was 3? I called my friend Dena and told her Jake is dead, he's gone. Then the funeral and wake. We picked all of the songs and verses especially for you. Dad and I spoke about you at the service, how could we not, it was the last thing we could do for you. We wanted to share you with everyone who never got to know you. But it still didn't feel real, God gave us strength to do it all for you.
The day of your funeral, we looked upon your face one last time, clipped some of your hair to save. That beautiful wispy hair you had turning blonder from brown, so soft. When we looked upon your face I knew I was looking only at your body, not the you that I loved. You were already in heaven with Jesus. That made it easier to close the casket one last time. It was hard to drive by the cemetary at night during that first year, Idid think of you laying there, I am so glad that has passed. I used to have to go to the cemetary all the time but now just once in awhile. I know you are with me all the time. I'm confident that you are happy and well taken care of.I still wish I was in heaven with you but not as much as II did at first. All I wanted was to be in heaven with you and out of pain so badly. I thought about it a lot. I reasoned everyone else could just go there to some day too.
I really hate being a mommy of 3 with only 2 kids to take care of, I really do hate it. I struggle with this constantly."How many kids do you have?" I always say three because I could never deny you. It is a question that is normal for most people, but not for bereaved parents. Also I struggle with all the difficult memories and the fact that there just wasn't enough of them, period. This is a great source of pain for me and boy do I know a lot about pain. The emotional pain of losing your child is like a glimpse of hell. That is what it feels like. Whe God gives me some of His peace it is like a glimpse of heaven. The feeling I get when I experience this is like no other, it has come after much prayer and patience.
The last three plus years without you Jake have been a serious trial, life or death, go down this path or that, disappointment, unforgiveness, anger, hurt, despair, pain, loneliness, isolation, desperation, exhaustion, sadness and guilt. The one thing it has never bee about is a question of faith. To have faith or not was never a question. Early on I was determined to remain faithful and it has the base of my journey, a journey of a new relationship with God, an indiscribeable one. A journey of learning, patience, thankfulness, forgiveness, growth, grace,perserverance, trust and yes finally the ability to experience some joy and peace. All by faith I humbly submit you Jake, all the questions of why, how, could 've, would've and shoud'ves. I don't have to make sense of it all because God gave me you and I am so thankful for you Jake. I could've never become who I am today without you and God. My love for you and God is tightly intertwined.
Jake you inspire me everyday to stay faithful and be close to God. I rely on God to provide me what I need for my heart and mind-the voice of truth!I now realize the time on this earth is so little compared to the time in heaven-a blink of an eye. I know I can make and I will. I won't allow evil to win over me and your life, it is not his for the taking. I know I need to stay the course God intends for me, it honors Him and your life. I want all of us to be together some day in heaven that gets me through some tough days. I never give up Jake because of you and all you went through, my sweet baby Jake. It's funny because I wear butterflies in memory of you, butterflies=Jake for me, but I am realizing that I am becoming a buttefly too Jake because of you!! I miss you Jake Richard Witt!!
Love, Mommy
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Jake's First Birthday
Dear Jake,
On the day that you should be turning one years old, eating chocolate cake, I am here at your memorial marker left with memories. You see the day you were born, was the last day I was truly happy and content. I could'nt wait to take you home and be with my boys. You were so sweet and you loved cuddling. That continued for the rest of your life as you were happiest when you were held and cuddled.
The second day of your life changed a lot of things. As you were being airlifted to Christ Hospital, my heart broke into a million pieces and my love for you became full, complete and intense. A whole lifetime of love on one day, I can't explain it. What you endured in your short life would make most adults turn white. That is a burden daddy and I will carry for the rest of our lives.
I am so sorry we didn't do more to make your short life on earth here more magical, bu tmy heart was soooo broken. I didn't know that I didn't have more time to make it up to you. I played the "if only" and I can't wait until" game. You didn't deserve it and now my heart is in worse shape. The night you died as I walked into your room, I knew you were already gone. At that time my heart went from being broken to an open chest wound thart will never completely heal. No doctor can fix it, no medication can dull the pain and nobody can say anything that will make me feel better.
You see Jake, that missing piece is in Heaven with you. It won't completely heal until we meet again. I don't know if you'll be a baby or a handsome boy with big brown eyes and long eyelashes. How I look forward to that day, I can only imagine feeling complete again.
Why it had to be this way is not for me to know. I won't turn away from God and I will find comfort in Him. I've realized that with the life God has given us we can't only choose the good things but we need to accept the good with the bad-this isn't Heaven. I know that I don't get to mold God into my liking by thinking He allows only the good to happen, look at Job.
I have learned a lot from you Jake, how to be a fighter, to be closer to God and accept God's will. I know that He will help me through this-He knows how I feel. I am more thankful for what I have and I have a more intense yearning for Heaven. I now know what unconditional love is a how to give of myself completely. You brought people together in prayer from Florida to Canada to Alaska and caused many to love you. I couldn't be more proud!!! People have a better appreciation for their Blessings and that is a huge gift you have given everyone.
You will always be my second son, I will NEVER deny you. I am so grateful that I was Blessed having you. I will never, ever forget you ever and I will always love you and talk about you til I take my last breath. Until then, Jake, I will learn to have the best life I can with my open chest wound.
LOVE, Mommy
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The Heart
"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart..."
"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted.
The surgeon looked up, annoyed "I'll cut your heart open," he continued, "to see how much damage has been done..."
"But when you open my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," said the boy.
The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up, abd I'll plan what to do next."
"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."
The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart. I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well."
"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives there."
The surgeon left.
The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from surgery, "damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.
No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy: painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis:, "here he paused, death within one year."
He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "WHY?" he asked aloud.
"Why did You do this? You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"
The Lord answered and said, "The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is part of My flock, and forever will be.
Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you cannot imagine.
His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace and My flock will continue to grow."
The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger hotter. "You created that boy, and You created that heart. He'll be dead in months. Why?'
The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for he has done his duty:I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb."
The surgeon wept.
The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. The boy whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?"
"Yes," said the surgeon.
"What did you find?" asked the boy.
"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon
Author Unknown
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